Discourse on a Hill
“The country needs you,” the guest implored, short of breath following his lengthy climb. “An entity such as yourself should have no problem bridging the gap between our two parties. Please, accept my offer.” “I am not the man for whom you search.” “Why so humble? We both know how perfect you’d be for the job. You’d never break a sweat.” The man on the hill shrugged his shoulders. “I admit we once thought you weren’t very special, but a lot of us are changing our minds. Fifty thousand constituents wait at the base of this very hill.” “Why didn’t they climb up to meet me?” “Because they didn’t want to dirty their shoes or rip their eveningwear.” “Oh.” “But we did confer before I made the climb. And they are unanimous in their resolve to get you into Office.” “I care not for the pleasures of-” “They’re even willing to elect you retroactively. They can’t go back into the past, but they assume you can. They are right about that, aren’t they?” “I exist beyond notions of time.” “Excellent! Just imagine how history will collapse in on itself to accommodate your entry into politics. But here’s the most beautiful... more...
Published on 10/13/2013


Deli
The cashier is wearing a necklace that is supporting his late girlfriend’s bleeding heart. He strangled her during his lunch break after she admitted she had been sleeping with the deli’s sandwich maker. After strangling her, he calmly used a butcher’s knife to slice open her chest and remove her heart. He attached the heart to a string of leather, bowed his head, and slipped the necklace on, delighting in the symbolic nature of the act. Then he tossed his girlfriend’s mangled corpse into a dumpster that was conveniently located fifty stories beneath her apartment window. The sandwich maker is standing in a shadow behind the cashier, making sandwiches. He doesn’t know that his mistress has been murdered, but the fact that her bleeding heart is hanging from the cashier’s neck is making him a little suspicious. He’d know that bleeding heart anywhere. The way he is eyeing the back of the cashier’s head is the way Sean Penn eyes the paparazzi the moment before their flashbulbs pop. The walls have been painted deep, deep red by a painter named Clyde Von Wippleby, who, coincidentally, happens to be sitting at a table in his dirty overalls eating a chicken salad... more...
Published on 10/06/2013


The Honorable and Most Intriguing Mr. Salv
Mr. Salv, a worker at Fisher-Price, is staring out the window when… He suddenly realizes what a dumb job he has. “I should’ve gone to college like my mother told me,” he thought to himself. He thought and thought and thought when he suddenly realized (again), “I know that everything will work out all right in the end—at least, I hope so, because the more I think about it, the more I realize that my life hangs in the fine balance between a comedy writer and an alligator swimming in the swamps of the Nile. Wait, that’s not right. Whatever.” Suddenly a man ran past the window he was staring out. “Who is he?” Salv wondered. “ It’s probably none of thy business” said the little voice in his head. “Thy?” Salv questioned. “ Your! I said your face is the ugliest thing I have ever seen in my life!” The stranger whirled around, seeking the man whom he would devour for saying such cruel words. He spotted Salv still sitting in front of the window and slowly raised a curved yellow object to his mouth and spoke. “Ah yesssssss… I love bananas.” With one rapid swing of his head... more...
Published on 08/07/2012


STUCK IN A CLICHÉ
It was dark.  The Man With The Mustache woke up and saw nothing but a dimly lit wooden plank.  If he was smarter, or at least well versed in the English language, he may have thought the sight of nothing more than a dimly lit wooden plank was a bit ominous.  But he was not an altogether smart man, nor was he well versed in any language, let alone the one he had used since birth.  So all he thought now was how very strange it was that the ceiling was so close to his nose.  He looked around and saw the wooden plank had multiplied and was not only directly above him but on all sides of him as well.  He couldn’t be sure of it, since he couldn’t see it, but it felt as though he was also lying on a wooden plank.  Even though his brain was not the fastest moving brain ever to inhabit the head of a man, it took him very little time to realize he was in fact stuck fast inside some sort of box.  After he came to this conclusion it did not take him long to realize the box he was... more...
Published on 07/06/2012


Strings Attached
She has been fighting it for weeks now, the broody, hungry emotion that came to her when it was past time to have a man. She had ignored the feeling as long as she could because she didn’t want it. She had never liked the consequences of fulfillment but her body would not listen to intellectual denial – it never did. Once upon her, the instinct increased until it tortured her days and ruined her sleep. She was at that point now. She knew that when a man came she would take him, as she had before, as she would again. She had no choice. It had become her nature. She dressed casually this afternoon, waiting for the sun to set. It didn’t matter how she looked. The need always drew a mate when he was wanted. She thought maybe something about her smell changed at these times because nothing about her appearance was different. Standing before a mirror, she examined her familiar self. Her olive skinned face was just as always, beautiful in its individual features except for the boldly hooked nose, yet mismatched somehow so it was not pretty overall. She was short, just under five feet, which often... more...
Published on 12/10/2011


THE UNIVERSALITY OF MAUREEN
Water gushes down from the showerhead onto me and my troubles are washed away. They of course accumulate again, as does the dirt during the working day. But a good shower – nothing beats it – not a good hard hot shower. Who can go without it and say that they’ve truly lived? The only problem is something curious happens every time I have one. I get under the showerhead on a workday morning at 6.45, and lo and behold, after spending a mere 5 minutes there I come out to find that it is already 7.40. more...
Published on 09/22/2011


Ve=E Cosmo
Introduction   This story is fiction, and like most good fiction there have to be some facts distributed throughout the tale or it just doesn’t cut it. A tale of fantasy doesn’t need facts but fiction does. So to give you something to hang on to throughout the story I’ll start with these three absolute facts. They are: ONE – Late in the 1990s scientists confirmed that the Universal expansion was accelerating. This discovery was in direct opposition to previous beliefs, that the Universes rate of expansion was slowing. TWO – As of the date of this writing, a uniform explanation as to the nature or origin of energy, has not yet been established. THREE – There is on record at the United States Copyright Office in Washington, D.C., a publication entitled – “A Theoretical Speculation of Energy Creation and Workings of the Universe” Now before I get to the prelude I’d like to quote a prominent physicist born on April 23, 1858 in Kiel, Germany. He died on October 4, 1947.Here’s what he said: “A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die .... more...
Published on 07/01/2011


Infinite Being — by Dovin Melhee
Infinite Being By Dovin Melhee ————— There was an infinite being. Infinite in ability. Infinite in power. Infinite in knowledge. Infinite in intelligence. Infinite in possibility. Infinite and limitless in everything. The being considered itself and was satisfied that it was limitless, perfect and complete. But then the impossible happened. The being thought of something that it lacked. It realized that there WAS something it was missing. This one missing thing was a “limitation”.  And so, in order to become complete, the being decided to create this one missing thing.  After it was created, the being observed this newly created limitation and thought that it was strange and different from its limitless self.  By necessity, the limitation existed separately outside of the limitless being — as a sort of limited nebulous blob.  But the being desired to experience and know more of its creation. So the being extracted many small finite subsets of itself, and inserted them into the limitation as types of experience-probes.  These subsets each resembled small limited versions of the being.  And each of the small beings were faulted, missing an infinity of ability, power and intelligence, leaving only a varying finite combination of each.  The faulted... more...
Published on 04/25/2011


The Sock Puppet That Came In From The Cold (Part 3)
Part 3 of 3: Sally drove her Volkswagen Golf through what had now become a blizzard. Snow fell relentlessly, covering the streets and making visibility downright invisible. To make matters worse, the streets were icy beneath the snow. The small car treated corners as if they were an option, and often skidded into the opposite lane while taking them. “Slow down, can’t you?” said Peter, white-knuckling it in the passenger seat. “We want to get there alive.” “Oh, be quiet. I’ve driven snowmobiles at my folks’ place in the mountains; this is no different. Besides, we’re practically the only car on the road.” “What if you hit a pedestrian?” “This is the West Side. The only people crazy enough to be out in this weather on Christmas Eve on the West Side are hard enough to bounce off.” They swerved dangerously round another corner, barely missing a mailbox. Peter took the hint and closed his eyes. “What does your pendant tell you?” said Sally once they’d straightened out. “We’re getting close. The hostel should be down the next street if I remember rightly.” “Any ideas as to what we do when we get there?” “Beyond putting a stop to Mr.... more...
Published on 12/27/2010


The Sock Puppet That Came In From The Cold (Part 2)
Part 2 of 3: Elsewhere in the city that night, a party was being held: in the police station of all places. But not everyone attending was filled with Christmas cheer. Officer Peter Gumption had rather more worrisome thoughts on his mind. He sat nursing them limply on the couch. An attractive blonde twenty-something sat on the arm-rest beside him. “You haven’t touched your eggnog, Peter,” said Sally, Peter’s fellow officer and date. “You can have it,” he said, passing her the tumbler. “I want to stay alert. Besides, my stomach …” Sally raised an eyebrow. “You’re not still worried about you-know-who, are you? You’ve done everything you possibly can, and then some. Isn’t having APB’s out at all the sewerage treatment plants enough?” “But the sewer overflows we’ve had—” “Which you’ve only mentioned five times today. You had a look, didn’t you? The bastard’s probably been washed out to sea. Good riddance.” Peter shook his head. “It’s not as simple as that. The sea didn’t stop him the first time.” “Then with any luck he’ll get swallowed by a grouper fish, or meet with some sockthirsty pirates.” Sally thumped Peter in the shoulder and grinned. Peter retained his pensive... more...
Published on 12/27/2010