The Relentlessly Unpleasant Skit Show Presents:

The Relentlessly Unpleasant Skit Show Presents: Victor Cottenstain, The Bouillon Cube Theif by Brad.

Click Here to meet Brad at www.facesatwar.com

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE:
INT. MICHAEL J. STAPLETON’S SUMMER HOUSE. – DAY
An early twenties MICHAEL J. STAPLETON is sitting Indian style on the floor. He is drinking a 40oz bottle of prune juice and is snorting lines of metemucil on a mirror. He has on a striped shirt with an alligator on the breast, Addias running pants and Addias shell toe sneakers. He is watching a mid-80s style Magnavox T.V. He is sitting on the floor because the 1950s style furniture is covered in plastic. There are antique pictures on the wall and the house reeks of mothballs. Suddenly the door bell rings. MICHAEL J. STAPLETON opens the door. A short, stocky well built man is at the other end. He is sporting a PizzaMax sweatshirt, plum sweatpants and a weight lifting belt around his waist. The man talks fast like a car salesmen.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
Cottenstain’s the name. Victor Cottenstain. Your old man sent me here, maybe knock some sense into you. So you’ll stop thinkin’ about poop and start thinkin’ about pizza…like me. Is that something that I can sign you up for? Don’t answer me right now, maybe me and you can play some monopoly? I know your a smart guy.
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON
Yeah.
INT. FUN ROOM. – DAY
The fun room has lots of toys in it. There is lots of He-Man memorabilia lying around as well as lots of old school WWF things lying around. In the middle of the floor there is a monopoly game. MICHAEL J. STAPLETON starts to set it up. VICTOR COTTENSTAIN stands by a walk-in closet with a sliding door and starts to knock on it like he is knocking on a door. There is also a Fisher-Price kids kitchen in the closet.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
Got any bouillon cubes? Shop keeper I need some bouillon cubes for my soup!
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON
Well I don’t have any.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
Well you’d better get some!!! BOUILLON CUBES!! I NEED BOUILLON CUBES!!!
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON gets up and goes over to the Fisher Price kids stove and takes out some bouillon cubes from a cabinet. He hands then to VICTOR COTTENSTAIN.
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON
I forgot I had these.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN takes them and throws them on the floor, his attention has turned to the teddy bear lying in the middle of the floor. He picks up the bear and speaks to it.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
You listen to me, you fucking cunt horse cocksucker. I want my bouillon cubes and I want them cooked with love!! (pauses and puts the teddy bear up to his ear) Oh I see. Why do you have to put me in this position and in front of my new friend. But..if you wanna talk like a cum dumpster, then I’m gonna treat you like one.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN then starts to dry hump the mouth of the teddy bear. MICHAEL J. STAPLETON keeps setting up the Monopoly board. VICTOR COTTENSTAIN then finds a Rambo toy machine gun and shoots the teddy bear in the head with it repeatedly.
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON
Boards ready.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN sits down Indian style with MICHAEL J. STAPLETON.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
Do you put money in free parking?
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON
Yeah.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
How much?
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON
Ahh…fifty usually.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
Nah…I always put two hundred.
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON
We can put two hundred.
On the board there is the thimble and the shoe, MICHAEL J. STAPLETON rolls the dice first to see who gets to go first. He rolls snake eyes.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
Snake eyes!
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN rolls next. He rolls a four.
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON
Looks like your going first.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN rolls a twelve, he takes the shoe as his game piece, without warning, MICHAEL J. STAPLETON flips out, he picks up the board and throws it against the closet.
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON (CONT’D)
I’m the shoe…I’m always the fucking shoe!! Fuck you pizza man!!! Fuck you!! The spincter is sacred.
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON continues to flip out and a have a tantrum. He trashes the room and smashes his toys.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
Wanna play Hungry Hungry Hippos instead?
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON (FACE LIGHTING UP)
Sure…I’m the orange hippo.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
That’s fine whiner..cuz I’m the purple one…gonna fuck your shit up.
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON says nothing but he scowls at VICTOR COTTENSTAIN.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN (CONT’D)
What’s the matter, can’t take this level of competition?
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON
I can take it just fine Mr. Cottenstain.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
Victor, call me Victor.
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON
Like I was saying Mr. Cottenstain.
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
I said call me Victor.
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON
Mr. Cottenstain-
VICTOR COTTENSTAIN
Are you gonna call me Victor or am I gonna stick a trombone up your ass…shitstain?!?
MICHAEL J. STAPLETON
That’s just over the line…lets keep the sanctity of our rectums out of this…shall we?
Without warning, MICHAEL J. STAPLETON picks up the Hungry Hungry Hippos game and smashes it over the head of VICTOR COTTENSTAIN, knocking him out cold. MICHAEL J. STAPLETON then picks up VICTOR COTTENSTAIN’S body and drags it away.

Click the picture below to meet Brad

brad

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *